Favorite Jokes of the Year

If you know me, you know I’m always writing jokes. Here are my 15 favorite I wrote this year.

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A man in Australia has been bitten by a venomous spider on his penis for the second time in five months. “Fool me once…”, said the person who had to suck out the poison

A new restaurant has opened in New York that is inspired by the show Golden Girls. And like Blanche’s legs, it’s open 24 hours.

A new study finds that 84 percent of all wildfires in the US are started by people. Though one man strongly disagrees. (KEY: Billy Joel)

It was announced that this summer Manhattan will get a fourth area code, 332. While the Bronx is sticking with its area code, 911.

This month marks the 75th anniversary of the classic animated film Bambi. And he’s still looking for the bitch that killed his mom.

A man in Florida protected his prized BMW during Hurricane Matthew by parking it in his living room. While his wife and kids got the garage.

This week marks the 10th anniversary of the introduction of the iPhone. Meaning iPhones have been around longer than most of the people making them.

An ice cream parlor in Mexico has begun serving ice cream specially made for dogs to eat. The most popular flavor is “other dog’s butt.”

A woman in Australia gave birth to a 13-pound baby, and she’ll never be the same down under.

A Massachusetts man tried to argue his way out of a speeding ticket by claiming that the police officer’s radar gun picked up a deer running at 40 miles an hour, and not his car. Sure, blame it on the guy with brown skin.

New York City officials said that the city doesn’t face any threat from people dressed as “creepy clowns.” That’s just how they dress in Brooklyn.

A shoe company was able to use a 3-D printer to make shoes big enough for a Michigan man, who was once listed as the world’s tallest teenager, and has size 28 feet. He’s hoping next they’ll be able to print him out some condoms.

Shaquille O’Neal announced that in 2020 he will run for sheriff of Henry County, in Georgia. Even though traditionally in Georgia, big, black men run FROM the sheriff.

The controversial Netflix show 13 Reasons Why, about a teenage girl’s suicide, has been renewed for a second season. Because getting cancelled would be the easy way out.

Two more Fox News employees have joined a race discrimination lawsuit against the network, saying working there was “more akin to plantation-style management than a modern-day work environment.” For starters, they were literally chained to their desks.

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Farley Elliott is Taking it to the Streets in his DELICIOUS New Book

I am all about things that make you go “mmmmm”, and Farley Elliott’s debut book, “Los Angeles Street Food”, definitely falls in that category. Farley, a Senior Editor for Eater LA, does his city more than justice with mouth-watering descriptions of LA’s top food trucks, carts, stands, festivals and more, complete with photos that can only be described as food porn.

farley ramen'

Farley travelled far and wide for his soon to be go to guide, and I was lucky enough to catch up with him to talk about his book, the LA food scene, and of course tacos. You can check out our convo below.

cover book

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With all the great restaurants out there, what about street food gets you so excited?

It’s the innovation, the regional specificity. When you’re opening up big restaurants with big-name chefs, you sort have to take a maximalist approach — appeal to lots of people, and charge accordingly. With low overhead operations like carts and trucks, you can really focus on the one thing, or the two things, that you want to do, and do them with amazing accuracy. You can learn about the world through LA street food, because every place you visit is allowed to have its own footprint leading back to wherever it originated.

So many people come up with great ideas, but never follow through. What motivated you to actually make this book happen?

Well, for one, I always feel like I have something to say. That’s just part of being a writer. So there’s that idea — I get to say what I want, and you pick up the book and listen. That’s pretty great! I also wanted to write the book because, no matter how successful anyone is, we always try to find benchmarks to define ourselves. Having a book was a benchmark for me — a big one — and being able to see it on the shelf of my local bookstore was something that was important to me. Not wanting to fail yourself is a big motivator.

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You travelled to the far reaches of LA to hit up some of the vendors in your book. What was the craziest thing that happened on the road?

I did have a knife pulled on me once, but that was from a drunk guy and could have happened anywhere, at any time. It just happened to be in front of a taco truck. The idea of an unsafe taco stand or Taiwanese meat skewer truck has largely become a vicious rumor. Honestly, these are hardworking families trying to make a great product to feed their own neighborhoods; rotten food or outbursts of violence would be bad for business.

The photos in your book and on your drool-worthy instagram account are always amazing. Any tips or rules of thumb for taking awesome food photos?

Lighting is key. You can make bad food look good with the right light, but you will never be able to make amazing food look even remotely interesting in the dark.

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While delicious, the tacos, meat, pastries, etc. featured in the book might not be the most healthy. What street food would you recommend for someone trying to watch what they eat?

Well, there IS the idea of moderation in all things. But you’re right — it’s not the healthiest way to eat, especially if you spend most of your time in front of a computer screen. But there are fruit carts, juice vendors, trucks that serve goat birria with a hearty “bone broth” side of consommé. And yes, there are many, many vegetarian taco options, from huitlacoche (a funky sort of corn option) to stewed huazontle, which is a hearty green native to Mexico.

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If money and LA traffic weren’t an issue, what is your dream street food meal?

I’d start with elote from the Lincoln Heights corn man. It’s this amazingly simple corn on the cob that’s grilled, swiped with mayo and butter and dashed with salt and spices. From there, a round robin of tacos: one short rib from Kogi BBQ, one carne asada from the Tire Shop Taqueria, one al pastor from Tacos Tamix, and one carnitas from Tacos Los Guichos. Then the main: a torta cubana from Super Tortas D.F. in South LA. If there were any room left, I’d take some champurrado as a sweet finisher.

Oh, and an al pastor quesadilla from El Chato — as a late night snack, just in case.

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If you were to open up a food truck, what would it be?

I’d be no good at opening a truck. The margins are too thin, the days too long, and I’d blow up at a customer within the first few hours, probably. But in my best moments, I could see being a sort of short order breakfast cook within the food truck realm. Simple egg and sausage sandwiches, easy breakfast burritos, some high-quality drip coffee. There is something undeniably satisfying about feeding a crowd…

“Los Angeles Street food: A History from Tamaleros to Taco Trucks”, is available here, and be sure to follow Farley on Twitter and Instagram.

Joke-Spiration

I come from a family that said “Jane, you ignorant slut” at the dinner table before I was even old enough to know what a slut is. Suffice to say, I love a good joke. And as you might have noticed I attempt to write jokes of my own.  Sometimes this process can be difficult, and when I’m stuck on the ole writer’s block I turn to the list of Joke-Spiration below. These are the cream of the crop in my opinion. So laugh, get inspired, and laugh some more… You ignorant slut.

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Johnny Depp says that he had to eat so much chocolate during the making of the Oscar nominated film “Chocolat” that he says that he will never eat it again. In a related story, the movie “Chocolat” was so choca-long and choca-boring, that I want my choca-money back.

-Jimmy Fallon 2000

BodyWorld, a new exhibit, opened Friday in Philadelphia, featuring a collection of skinless, preserved cadavers in various poses. Or as I like to call it, “The View”!

-Amy Poehler 2005

“Three Chinese astronauts returned safely to earth this week after a 68-hour voyage in which they performed an historic spacewalk. Which was all the more impressive because they did it as a dragon.”

-Seth Meyers 2008

“After two weeks of cancelled shows on her ‘Rock Witchu’ tour, Janet Jackson revealed that she has been suffering from ‘migraine-associated vertigo.’ So while she may not be able to ‘rock witchu’ she may be able to ‘sit witchu’ or ‘lean against something really stable witchu.’

-Amy Poehler 2008

“A man in New York State pleaded guilty to public lewdness this week after he took his pants off before going into a doughnut shop. The man said he only did it so he could carry more donuts.”

-Amy Poehler 2008

“Two British women who were lifelong friends were surprised to discover that they were actually sisters.  And have spent every day since trying really hard to forget about that one time in college.”

-Amy Poehler 2008

South Africa’s Hendrick Ramaala won Sunday’s New York City Marathon in 2 hours 9 minutes and 28 seconds. Ramaala credited his fast time to the fact that he was being chased by 30,000 white people.

-Tina Fey 2004

The inventor of bubble gum died this week. His body was found stuck under a movie seat.

-Colin Quinn 1997

According to Los Angeles officials, the Hollywood Writers Strike cost the city $2.5 billion. Or, roughly: ten movies about treasure.

-Amy Poehler 2008

Next month, a flawless $10 million diamond the soze of a walnut will go on auction at Sotheby’s. And just in time, because Kobe Bryant’s wife has a birthday coming up.

Speaking of which, the preliminary hearing in Kobe Bryant’s rape trial turned ugly on Thursday, when Pamela Mackey, Bryant’s lawyer, “accidentally” said his accuser’s name in court, violating Colorado privacy laws. And, after being admoished by the judge, Mackey went on to repeat the woman’s name five times, which is really bad. Because what lawyer Pamela Mackey did by mentioning the woman’s name, is to put her at risk of further harassment. A lawyer, like Pamela Mackey, of the Colorado firm Haddon, Morgan, Mueller, George, Mackey & Foreman – which is probably in the 303 area code – should know that people can go on the internet and look up any name, like Joe Smith, or, I don’t know – Pamela Mackey – and learn everything about them, and call them and mess with them, and stuff! So, be more careful, lawyer Pamela Mackey, because I heard a rumor that you’re a little unstable, and you like to give wobble jobs to homeless guys! And, I want you to focus up and win this trial. I’m Pamela Mackey – back to you, Pamela Mackey!

-Tina Fey 2003

The official portrait of former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani was unveiled publicly in the city Tuesday. And I’m proud of New Yorkers because by Wednesday, it only had one penis drawn on it.

-Seth Meyers 2010

Experts have stated that London has surpassed New York City as the world’s undisputed financial capital. Did ya hear that, terrorists?! The world’s undisputed financial capital is LONDON!!!

– Seth Meyers

This year’s Rockefeller Center’s Christmas tree is a 76-foot-tall Norway Spruce from Easton, Connecticut. So come on down to Rockefeller Center and watch a tree slowly die.

-Seth Meyers 2009

Amtrak conductors have begun random checks of passengers’ identities as a precaution against terrorist attacks. Great news, because Amtrak is still my favorite way to travel. [begins to sing] Amtrak, America’s way to travel with weed!

– Amy Poehler 2004

The first Winnie the Pooh sequel to be published in 80 years will be published next week with a new character, an Otter named Lottie. Lottie was added to replace Eeyore who finally did it.

-Seth Meyers 2009

In an interview with a fashion industry web site, Kate Moss said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” Said the rest of the world: Bacon!”

-Seth Meyers 2009

It is estimated that Hurricane Sandy left 8 million homes and businesses without power. Also, one man. (KEY: Mitt Romney)

-Seth Meyers 2012

Alana Thompson, Honey Boo Boo’s mom, claims to have lost 100 pounds without surgery, dieting, or exercise. I have to admit, I thought the only way she’d ever lose 100 pounds is in a custody battle.

-Seth Meyers 2012

Pratt

Way back in the ancient times of 2003, the internet was still somewhat of a mysterious place. Banking happened  at banks, dating was done through face to face (or phone to phone) communication, and social media had yet to catch on. I was a freshman at Indiana University with a badass Hotmail account, and on a random day in the Spring semester, it changed my life forever.

I remember coming home from class, pondering if a particular boy would like me more if I took down my Austin Powers poster, deciding I didn’t care, and checking my Hotmail. That’s when I got what would end up being the most important email I’ve ever received. It was an email from Pratt Institute asking me to apply for their writing program. I had never applied to Pratt nor was I affiliated with any clubs that would out me as a writer, so I was pretty baffled to find this message in my inbox. I had no clue how they found me, and am still unsure to this day.

The short version what happened over the next two months is best represented in the table below:

That was almost ten years ago and last night while walking with Ariele, (a dear friend from Pratt) we found ourselves distracted by the Empire State Building. The way it was lit caught our eyes and it turns out it was lit that way in honor of Pratt’s 125th anniversary. I’m working really hard here to avoid writing “The lights upon one of New York’s most famous buildings lit it up in the same way Pratt turned the light on in me.” But oops. I just did. Sorry, to my fellow writing majors for being so “saccharine.”

I don’t know where I’d be if I had stayed at IU, and I imagine the feeling I get when I meet a fellow Pratt alum is similar to that of two veterans meeting post-battle. Pratt is a great school and the best thing that ever happened to me, but there is definitely no hand holding involved. You are plopped in the middle of Bed Stuy with the understanding that you are somehow committed to taking courses, but it’s really up to you from there. Anything I ever achieved or made happen there was a result of perseverance and taking initiative, and as a person preparing to work in the creative fields, this college experience was the perfect training ground.

There is no real set path for the artistic careers my peers and I were and are still seeking. You have to (for lack of a better phrase) think outside the box and take unconventional routes to get where you want to go. As a die hard Type-A control freak, I don’t think I could sustain this unpredictable way of life if not for my time at Pratt. Class registration was done through securing a one on one in person appointment, the bursar’s office came with a Pentagon-level of confusion, lectures could have been interrupted by a wandering cat at any moment, and every so often I’d come home  to a caved-in bathroom ceiling. There was nobody waiting to help me with these stresses. Nobody was watching over my shoulder to see if I got all my work done, went to class, or performed internships to enhance my education. That was all on me.

Pratt specializes in teaching its students the art of how to hustle and fight for things and I’m so proud to see all my Pratt friends using this hustle in their post-grad life. People are starting their own businesses, making amazing things for print, tv, and film, and working for some of the most prestigious companies out there. The Pratt person will always be the person remaining semi-calm in the middle of a big ole storm because compared to their college years, it’s likely to seem like child’s play. Just look at what these people were able to pull off during Survey, the fashion show, Portfolio season, and Thesis. All with no sleep, limited facilities, and a full course load.

Pratt was the best thing that ever happened to me. It is the source of my closest friends, my creative voice, my ability to fight for what I want, and the light that shines within me. (Sorry again!) Also, the hipster cred of going to art school in Brooklyn isn’t too shabby. It goes without saying that I’d urge anyone entertaining the idea of being a Pratt student to enroll immediately.

I don’t know where my Austin Powers poster ended up and I might never know the source of the life-altering  email, but what I do know is I’m proud to be a Pratt grad, and I’ve got a bear hug and a kiss waiting for whoever sent me that message. Happy birthday, Pratt! You don’t look a day over 50.