Favorite Jokes of the Year

If you know me, you know I’m always writing jokes. Here are my 15 favorite I wrote this year.

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A man in Australia has been bitten by a venomous spider on his penis for the second time in five months. “Fool me once…”, said the person who had to suck out the poison

A new restaurant has opened in New York that is inspired by the show Golden Girls. And like Blanche’s legs, it’s open 24 hours.

A new study finds that 84 percent of all wildfires in the US are started by people. Though one man strongly disagrees. (KEY: Billy Joel)

It was announced that this summer Manhattan will get a fourth area code, 332. While the Bronx is sticking with its area code, 911.

This month marks the 75th anniversary of the classic animated film Bambi. And he’s still looking for the bitch that killed his mom.

A man in Florida protected his prized BMW during Hurricane Matthew by parking it in his living room. While his wife and kids got the garage.

This week marks the 10th anniversary of the introduction of the iPhone. Meaning iPhones have been around longer than most of the people making them.

An ice cream parlor in Mexico has begun serving ice cream specially made for dogs to eat. The most popular flavor is “other dog’s butt.”

A woman in Australia gave birth to a 13-pound baby, and she’ll never be the same down under.

A Massachusetts man tried to argue his way out of a speeding ticket by claiming that the police officer’s radar gun picked up a deer running at 40 miles an hour, and not his car. Sure, blame it on the guy with brown skin.

New York City officials said that the city doesn’t face any threat from people dressed as “creepy clowns.” That’s just how they dress in Brooklyn.

A shoe company was able to use a 3-D printer to make shoes big enough for a Michigan man, who was once listed as the world’s tallest teenager, and has size 28 feet. He’s hoping next they’ll be able to print him out some condoms.

Shaquille O’Neal announced that in 2020 he will run for sheriff of Henry County, in Georgia. Even though traditionally in Georgia, big, black men run FROM the sheriff.

The controversial Netflix show 13 Reasons Why, about a teenage girl’s suicide, has been renewed for a second season. Because getting cancelled would be the easy way out.

Two more Fox News employees have joined a race discrimination lawsuit against the network, saying working there was “more akin to plantation-style management than a modern-day work environment.” For starters, they were literally chained to their desks.

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A Dozen Jokes

Warning: Puns ahead.

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A Wisconsin man says that he is suffering from a rare disease that causes him to have up to 100 orgasms a day. But the real victim is his washing machine.

Chinese officials conducted extensive body searches of the 10,000 doves used in this week’s National Day ceremony, including examining their feathers and anuses looking for dangerous materials. And that is what it sounds like when doves cry.

A trial is being held in New York State to have chimpanzees declared “persons” rather than “things.” Us first, said women.

A couple in Florida caught a 13-foot alligator entirely by hand. And they celebrated by doing more meth.

A man, whose flight from Cleveland to New York had been delayed for several hours, was surprised when he boarded and discovered that he was the only person on the plane. But that didn’t stop him from joining the mile high club.

Legal experts are concerned that lower law school admissions standards will produce graduates who cannot pass the bar exam. “I oobjoct!” argued recent graduates.

Australian officials revealed that they secretly killed hundreds of koalas to prevent overpopulation. Or as it will be referred to in the future: “The Koala-caust”.

According to reports Turkey’s tourism board rejected a new ad starring Julianne Moore due to what they call her “poor acting.” Instead, they’re asking for Julianne LESS.

According to a new survey 94 percent of Americans think the Japanese are hard-working people, and the rest think they’re Chinese.

CBS announced it is ending the series CSI after 15 years. Cause if there’s one thing CSI’s audience understands, it’s retirement.

US News and World Report has ranked Harvard as the top global university. In case they ran out of things to brag about.

A tractor trailer in Colorado loaded with 40,000 pounds of cheese split in half after crashing. Said the driver, “What are we gonna fondue?!”