Favorite Jokes of the Year

If you know me, you know I’m always writing jokes. Here are my 15 favorite I wrote this year.

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A man in Australia has been bitten by a venomous spider on his penis for the second time in five months. “Fool me once…”, said the person who had to suck out the poison

A new restaurant has opened in New York that is inspired by the show Golden Girls. And like Blanche’s legs, it’s open 24 hours.

A new study finds that 84 percent of all wildfires in the US are started by people. Though one man strongly disagrees. (KEY: Billy Joel)

It was announced that this summer Manhattan will get a fourth area code, 332. While the Bronx is sticking with its area code, 911.

This month marks the 75th anniversary of the classic animated film Bambi. And he’s still looking for the bitch that killed his mom.

A man in Florida protected his prized BMW during Hurricane Matthew by parking it in his living room. While his wife and kids got the garage.

This week marks the 10th anniversary of the introduction of the iPhone. Meaning iPhones have been around longer than most of the people making them.

An ice cream parlor in Mexico has begun serving ice cream specially made for dogs to eat. The most popular flavor is “other dog’s butt.”

A woman in Australia gave birth to a 13-pound baby, and she’ll never be the same down under.

A Massachusetts man tried to argue his way out of a speeding ticket by claiming that the police officer’s radar gun picked up a deer running at 40 miles an hour, and not his car. Sure, blame it on the guy with brown skin.

New York City officials said that the city doesn’t face any threat from people dressed as “creepy clowns.” That’s just how they dress in Brooklyn.

A shoe company was able to use a 3-D printer to make shoes big enough for a Michigan man, who was once listed as the world’s tallest teenager, and has size 28 feet. He’s hoping next they’ll be able to print him out some condoms.

Shaquille O’Neal announced that in 2020 he will run for sheriff of Henry County, in Georgia. Even though traditionally in Georgia, big, black men run FROM the sheriff.

The controversial Netflix show 13 Reasons Why, about a teenage girl’s suicide, has been renewed for a second season. Because getting cancelled would be the easy way out.

Two more Fox News employees have joined a race discrimination lawsuit against the network, saying working there was “more akin to plantation-style management than a modern-day work environment.” For starters, they were literally chained to their desks.

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Conquering the News – Election Edition

I’m making Super Tuesday extra super with a brand new video!

You’ll never guess who I want in the White House in 2016… Please enjoy this special election edition of “Conquering the News”.

SHARE, share, SHARE on Twitter with #LilConqueror 🙂

A Dozen Jokes

Warning: Puns ahead.

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A Wisconsin man says that he is suffering from a rare disease that causes him to have up to 100 orgasms a day. But the real victim is his washing machine.

Chinese officials conducted extensive body searches of the 10,000 doves used in this week’s National Day ceremony, including examining their feathers and anuses looking for dangerous materials. And that is what it sounds like when doves cry.

A trial is being held in New York State to have chimpanzees declared “persons” rather than “things.” Us first, said women.

A couple in Florida caught a 13-foot alligator entirely by hand. And they celebrated by doing more meth.

A man, whose flight from Cleveland to New York had been delayed for several hours, was surprised when he boarded and discovered that he was the only person on the plane. But that didn’t stop him from joining the mile high club.

Legal experts are concerned that lower law school admissions standards will produce graduates who cannot pass the bar exam. “I oobjoct!” argued recent graduates.

Australian officials revealed that they secretly killed hundreds of koalas to prevent overpopulation. Or as it will be referred to in the future: “The Koala-caust”.

According to reports Turkey’s tourism board rejected a new ad starring Julianne Moore due to what they call her “poor acting.” Instead, they’re asking for Julianne LESS.

According to a new survey 94 percent of Americans think the Japanese are hard-working people, and the rest think they’re Chinese.

CBS announced it is ending the series CSI after 15 years. Cause if there’s one thing CSI’s audience understands, it’s retirement.

US News and World Report has ranked Harvard as the top global university. In case they ran out of things to brag about.

A tractor trailer in Colorado loaded with 40,000 pounds of cheese split in half after crashing. Said the driver, “What are we gonna fondue?!”

Where jokes go to die

As the news cycle keeps spinning, it’s important to look back and pay homage to jokes that have passed. Grab a black veil, cut some eye holes in it, and get your reading on. I apologize if your co-workers look at you weird for laughing and wearing a weird veil.

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Julia Pastrana, who lived in the 1800s and was dubbed “the ugliest woman in the world,” was finally buried this week in her native Mexico. And time hasn’t done her any favors.

A pastor is demanding that Tennessee wildlife officials return five venomous snakes they confiscated from him, saying that he uses them as part of his services. Prompting Mormons, Jehova’s Witnesses, and Scientologists to respond in unison, “Oh and we’re the weird ones?”

In an effort to save the endangered cheetah, some zoos are pairing up cheetah cubs with puppies to help teach the cats how to thrive while in captivity and make the internet explode.

TSA officials this week forced Kanye West and Kim Kardashian to be rescreened by security after a star-struck staff member at Kennedy Airport allowed them to bypass a security check point delaying the flight for an hour, which was spent going through all the junk in Kim’s trunk.

Florida police arrested a woman who broke into her ex-fiancé’s house and attacked his new girlfriend in bed. The man was shocked because he expected something different from his first threesome.

It was announced this week that two of the Great Lakes, Lake Huron and Lake Michigan, have reached their lowest levels ever recorded. The lakes are reportedly so low they’re watching Bravo’s “Vanderpump Rules.”

A couple in Connecticut that has been married for 80 years has been named the “longest married couple” in the US. When hearing the news, the wife was so excited she walked all the way to the basement to tell her husband.

An Oregon man has filed a lawsuit against an IRS agent claiming that he was coerced into having sex with her after she said she could help him avoid a penalty on his taxes. She claimed to be able to fix his problems with just one small deposit.

Ryan Gosling revealed this week that in the early 1990s he had a chance to be a part of the Backstreet Boys, but declined because he thought they would never be a success. “Who is laughing now?” Asked Backstreet Boy AJ McLean as he served hot dogs at the mall.

Security officials at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport were shocked to discover a mysterious package containing 18 severed human heads, which turned out to be misplaced medical samples. The discovery helped make strides in Chicago’s goal of becoming the new Florida.

Joke-Spiration

I come from a family that said “Jane, you ignorant slut” at the dinner table before I was even old enough to know what a slut is. Suffice to say, I love a good joke. And as you might have noticed I attempt to write jokes of my own.  Sometimes this process can be difficult, and when I’m stuck on the ole writer’s block I turn to the list of Joke-Spiration below. These are the cream of the crop in my opinion. So laugh, get inspired, and laugh some more… You ignorant slut.

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Johnny Depp says that he had to eat so much chocolate during the making of the Oscar nominated film “Chocolat” that he says that he will never eat it again. In a related story, the movie “Chocolat” was so choca-long and choca-boring, that I want my choca-money back.

-Jimmy Fallon 2000

BodyWorld, a new exhibit, opened Friday in Philadelphia, featuring a collection of skinless, preserved cadavers in various poses. Or as I like to call it, “The View”!

-Amy Poehler 2005

“Three Chinese astronauts returned safely to earth this week after a 68-hour voyage in which they performed an historic spacewalk. Which was all the more impressive because they did it as a dragon.”

-Seth Meyers 2008

“After two weeks of cancelled shows on her ‘Rock Witchu’ tour, Janet Jackson revealed that she has been suffering from ‘migraine-associated vertigo.’ So while she may not be able to ‘rock witchu’ she may be able to ‘sit witchu’ or ‘lean against something really stable witchu.’

-Amy Poehler 2008

“A man in New York State pleaded guilty to public lewdness this week after he took his pants off before going into a doughnut shop. The man said he only did it so he could carry more donuts.”

-Amy Poehler 2008

“Two British women who were lifelong friends were surprised to discover that they were actually sisters.  And have spent every day since trying really hard to forget about that one time in college.”

-Amy Poehler 2008

South Africa’s Hendrick Ramaala won Sunday’s New York City Marathon in 2 hours 9 minutes and 28 seconds. Ramaala credited his fast time to the fact that he was being chased by 30,000 white people.

-Tina Fey 2004

The inventor of bubble gum died this week. His body was found stuck under a movie seat.

-Colin Quinn 1997

According to Los Angeles officials, the Hollywood Writers Strike cost the city $2.5 billion. Or, roughly: ten movies about treasure.

-Amy Poehler 2008

Next month, a flawless $10 million diamond the soze of a walnut will go on auction at Sotheby’s. And just in time, because Kobe Bryant’s wife has a birthday coming up.

Speaking of which, the preliminary hearing in Kobe Bryant’s rape trial turned ugly on Thursday, when Pamela Mackey, Bryant’s lawyer, “accidentally” said his accuser’s name in court, violating Colorado privacy laws. And, after being admoished by the judge, Mackey went on to repeat the woman’s name five times, which is really bad. Because what lawyer Pamela Mackey did by mentioning the woman’s name, is to put her at risk of further harassment. A lawyer, like Pamela Mackey, of the Colorado firm Haddon, Morgan, Mueller, George, Mackey & Foreman – which is probably in the 303 area code – should know that people can go on the internet and look up any name, like Joe Smith, or, I don’t know – Pamela Mackey – and learn everything about them, and call them and mess with them, and stuff! So, be more careful, lawyer Pamela Mackey, because I heard a rumor that you’re a little unstable, and you like to give wobble jobs to homeless guys! And, I want you to focus up and win this trial. I’m Pamela Mackey – back to you, Pamela Mackey!

-Tina Fey 2003

The official portrait of former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani was unveiled publicly in the city Tuesday. And I’m proud of New Yorkers because by Wednesday, it only had one penis drawn on it.

-Seth Meyers 2010

Experts have stated that London has surpassed New York City as the world’s undisputed financial capital. Did ya hear that, terrorists?! The world’s undisputed financial capital is LONDON!!!

– Seth Meyers

This year’s Rockefeller Center’s Christmas tree is a 76-foot-tall Norway Spruce from Easton, Connecticut. So come on down to Rockefeller Center and watch a tree slowly die.

-Seth Meyers 2009

Amtrak conductors have begun random checks of passengers’ identities as a precaution against terrorist attacks. Great news, because Amtrak is still my favorite way to travel. [begins to sing] Amtrak, America’s way to travel with weed!

– Amy Poehler 2004

The first Winnie the Pooh sequel to be published in 80 years will be published next week with a new character, an Otter named Lottie. Lottie was added to replace Eeyore who finally did it.

-Seth Meyers 2009

In an interview with a fashion industry web site, Kate Moss said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” Said the rest of the world: Bacon!”

-Seth Meyers 2009

It is estimated that Hurricane Sandy left 8 million homes and businesses without power. Also, one man. (KEY: Mitt Romney)

-Seth Meyers 2012

Alana Thompson, Honey Boo Boo’s mom, claims to have lost 100 pounds without surgery, dieting, or exercise. I have to admit, I thought the only way she’d ever lose 100 pounds is in a custody battle.

-Seth Meyers 2012

Where jokes go to die

Had a hard time killing my darlings this week… Sometimes you just have to let go. Fly my jokes, fly! I’ll see you on the other side. Say hi to Faulkner for me. Too soon?

Police in Long Island, New York were called to the home of Dina Lohan to break up a “verbal argument” between Lohan and her daughter Lindsay. One more visit from the police and Lindsay can finally cash in her Free NYPD T-Shirt Punch Card.

Officials in California say that a squirrel has tested positive for exposure to the plague. Which is nuts.

Some of the higher end restaurants in New York City are considering adding a surcharge for people who eat at their restaurants during the prime dining hours between 7:30 and 8:30. While people who eat behind the restaurant between these hours will continue to eat for free. (KEY: Hobo dumpster diving)

Officials in Tunisia are prosecuting the publishers of a children’s magazine that printed an article on how to make a gasoline bomb. So I guess the magazine will have to come up with a new slang term for “Fart.”

Sarah Palin this week created a stir in tabloid magazines after she appeared in public looking much skinnier than in previous years. Apparently nobody told her you can be starved for attention without actually being starving.

The Discovery Channel show Mythbusters this week proved that the ending of Titanic was wrong and that both Jack and Rose could have both been able to stay on the floating piece of wood and survive the sinking of the ship. But maybe Jack just wanted to get away from the never-ending screech of those damn violins. (KEY: band in Titanic)

Researchers have discovered a mummy that may have died because of a sinus infection caused by a mouthful of cavities. Which lead to the more exciting discovery that mummies can be British.

Richard Stratton, the former publisher of High Times magazine, announced this week that he plans to run for governor of New York in 2014. He’s running on a platform of job creation, improved health care, and making super-sized fries legal again.

Felix Baumgartner’s attempt to break the sound barrier by sky diving from 23 miles up was canceled Tuesday due to high winds. So I guess he’ll just have to wait that much longer to die.

Sarah Palin this week created a stir in tabloid magazines after she appeared in public looking much skinnier than in previous years. She’s supposedly trying to stick it to Democrats by dressing up as the recession for Halloween.