Where jokes go to die

As the news cycle keeps spinning, it’s important to look back and pay homage to jokes that have passed. Grab a black veil, cut some eye holes in it, and get your reading on. I apologize if your co-workers look at you weird for laughing and wearing a weird veil.

 ***

Julia Pastrana, who lived in the 1800s and was dubbed “the ugliest woman in the world,” was finally buried this week in her native Mexico. And time hasn’t done her any favors.

A pastor is demanding that Tennessee wildlife officials return five venomous snakes they confiscated from him, saying that he uses them as part of his services. Prompting Mormons, Jehova’s Witnesses, and Scientologists to respond in unison, “Oh and we’re the weird ones?”

In an effort to save the endangered cheetah, some zoos are pairing up cheetah cubs with puppies to help teach the cats how to thrive while in captivity and make the internet explode.

TSA officials this week forced Kanye West and Kim Kardashian to be rescreened by security after a star-struck staff member at Kennedy Airport allowed them to bypass a security check point delaying the flight for an hour, which was spent going through all the junk in Kim’s trunk.

Florida police arrested a woman who broke into her ex-fiancé’s house and attacked his new girlfriend in bed. The man was shocked because he expected something different from his first threesome.

It was announced this week that two of the Great Lakes, Lake Huron and Lake Michigan, have reached their lowest levels ever recorded. The lakes are reportedly so low they’re watching Bravo’s “Vanderpump Rules.”

A couple in Connecticut that has been married for 80 years has been named the “longest married couple” in the US. When hearing the news, the wife was so excited she walked all the way to the basement to tell her husband.

An Oregon man has filed a lawsuit against an IRS agent claiming that he was coerced into having sex with her after she said she could help him avoid a penalty on his taxes. She claimed to be able to fix his problems with just one small deposit.

Ryan Gosling revealed this week that in the early 1990s he had a chance to be a part of the Backstreet Boys, but declined because he thought they would never be a success. “Who is laughing now?” Asked Backstreet Boy AJ McLean as he served hot dogs at the mall.

Security officials at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport were shocked to discover a mysterious package containing 18 severed human heads, which turned out to be misplaced medical samples. The discovery helped make strides in Chicago’s goal of becoming the new Florida.

The best movies that almost came out in 2012

You may remember how not too long ago I used my crazy amount of blog-related industry access to share the best albums of 2012 that never made it past the cutting room floor. And if you don’t remember, I’m hurt cause I thought we had something really strong between us. Since that post, my baller ante has totes gone up. I saw Zoe Saldana on the street, got to read the whole Justin Carney/Bieber battle on Twitter, and was invited by HBO to watch the Beyonce doc in the privacy of my own home. All I had to do was pay my $120 Time Warner bill first.

That said, the Oscars are coming up, which means it’s time again for me to share the Little Conqueror wealth. Here now for you are the films that with a little more industry support could have been up for best picture, if they had only made like Frank Ocean and came out.

 

BIG BIRD AND THE MICRO UNIT

"Can you tell me how to get to a new apartment?"

“Can you tell me how to get to a new apartment?”

TRACY MORGAN’S DOWNTON ABBEY: THE MOVIE

Screen shot 2013-02-18 at 5.38.26 PM

WHITE PEOPLE MAKING OUT

Screen shot 2013-02-18 at 5.42.13 PM

AVATAR II

A heroic journey to the distant planet Brooklyn

A heroic journey to the distant planet Brooklyn

N00b on the Tube

Things I’ve never seen include Back to the Future, The Godfather, Ghostbusters, and up until this week… Friday Night Lights.

The crazy amazing television site Character Grades had me pop my FNL cherry for their N00b on the Tube series, and you can click here to read my review and figure out what the photo means below…

chin

Follow Character Grades on Twitter for more TV fun!