Favorite Jokes of the Year

If you know me, you know I’m always writing jokes. Here are my 15 favorite I wrote this year.

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A man in Australia has been bitten by a venomous spider on his penis for the second time in five months. “Fool me once…”, said the person who had to suck out the poison

A new restaurant has opened in New York that is inspired by the show Golden Girls. And like Blanche’s legs, it’s open 24 hours.

A new study finds that 84 percent of all wildfires in the US are started by people. Though one man strongly disagrees. (KEY: Billy Joel)

It was announced that this summer Manhattan will get a fourth area code, 332. While the Bronx is sticking with its area code, 911.

This month marks the 75th anniversary of the classic animated film Bambi. And he’s still looking for the bitch that killed his mom.

A man in Florida protected his prized BMW during Hurricane Matthew by parking it in his living room. While his wife and kids got the garage.

This week marks the 10th anniversary of the introduction of the iPhone. Meaning iPhones have been around longer than most of the people making them.

An ice cream parlor in Mexico has begun serving ice cream specially made for dogs to eat. The most popular flavor is “other dog’s butt.”

A woman in Australia gave birth to a 13-pound baby, and she’ll never be the same down under.

A Massachusetts man tried to argue his way out of a speeding ticket by claiming that the police officer’s radar gun picked up a deer running at 40 miles an hour, and not his car. Sure, blame it on the guy with brown skin.

New York City officials said that the city doesn’t face any threat from people dressed as “creepy clowns.” That’s just how they dress in Brooklyn.

A shoe company was able to use a 3-D printer to make shoes big enough for a Michigan man, who was once listed as the world’s tallest teenager, and has size 28 feet. He’s hoping next they’ll be able to print him out some condoms.

Shaquille O’Neal announced that in 2020 he will run for sheriff of Henry County, in Georgia. Even though traditionally in Georgia, big, black men run FROM the sheriff.

The controversial Netflix show 13 Reasons Why, about a teenage girl’s suicide, has been renewed for a second season. Because getting cancelled would be the easy way out.

Two more Fox News employees have joined a race discrimination lawsuit against the network, saying working there was “more akin to plantation-style management than a modern-day work environment.” For starters, they were literally chained to their desks.

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Conquering the News – Election Edition

I’m making Super Tuesday extra super with a brand new video!

You’ll never guess who I want in the White House in 2016… Please enjoy this special election edition of “Conquering the News”.

SHARE, share, SHARE on Twitter with #LilConqueror 🙂

A Dozen Jokes

Warning: Puns ahead.

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A Wisconsin man says that he is suffering from a rare disease that causes him to have up to 100 orgasms a day. But the real victim is his washing machine.

Chinese officials conducted extensive body searches of the 10,000 doves used in this week’s National Day ceremony, including examining their feathers and anuses looking for dangerous materials. And that is what it sounds like when doves cry.

A trial is being held in New York State to have chimpanzees declared “persons” rather than “things.” Us first, said women.

A couple in Florida caught a 13-foot alligator entirely by hand. And they celebrated by doing more meth.

A man, whose flight from Cleveland to New York had been delayed for several hours, was surprised when he boarded and discovered that he was the only person on the plane. But that didn’t stop him from joining the mile high club.

Legal experts are concerned that lower law school admissions standards will produce graduates who cannot pass the bar exam. “I oobjoct!” argued recent graduates.

Australian officials revealed that they secretly killed hundreds of koalas to prevent overpopulation. Or as it will be referred to in the future: “The Koala-caust”.

According to reports Turkey’s tourism board rejected a new ad starring Julianne Moore due to what they call her “poor acting.” Instead, they’re asking for Julianne LESS.

According to a new survey 94 percent of Americans think the Japanese are hard-working people, and the rest think they’re Chinese.

CBS announced it is ending the series CSI after 15 years. Cause if there’s one thing CSI’s audience understands, it’s retirement.

US News and World Report has ranked Harvard as the top global university. In case they ran out of things to brag about.

A tractor trailer in Colorado loaded with 40,000 pounds of cheese split in half after crashing. Said the driver, “What are we gonna fondue?!”

The Verdict Is In… “Judged by Paxton” is Awesome

Go behind the scenes of a web series created behind the scenes of another popular show.

Every Wednesday at 7pm Kyle Orozovich, Roman Urbanski, and Steve King make the Internet a whole lot better with new episodes of their web series “Judged by Paxton”. I chatted with the team behind “Paxton” to see what it takes to keep their hilarious web series in business, and how it came to be.

paxtongroup

Simply put, “Judged by Paxton” is about 3 guys who work together and try to make it through their day without getting judged by a picture of 80’s-era Bill Paxton on the wall. The series mirrors reality in a way, as it is shot and produced at Kyle, Roman, and Steve’s actual office, “The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon”. They all met at NBC doing cue cards for Jimmy and “Saturday Night Live”, and after rescuing the Paxton picture from being thrown away by Fallon’s prop master – it was used on the show in a bit with Bill Paxton himself – “Judged by Paxton” was born.

Once they had the perfect prop, they hung it on the wall of the cue card department, and according to Steve immediately started making jokes about how Bill looked like he was constantly judging them. Roman explained that this played into a larger goal adding, “Aside from working our hardest to get the actual (Fallon) shows ready, we try to make each other laugh as often as possible. This Paxton idea started as a way to make something in less than an hour with an iPhone.  And oddly enough it ended up being more freeing than limiting.”

paxton

As for the techy kind of stuff, it turns out a few key apps helped get the job done. “Paxton” started as a series of daily Instavideos, which didn’t quite achieve what Kyle wanted to get done. The game-changer came in the form of the app “Spark”, which according to him, let’s you shoot for 45 seconds but also allows you to edit your footage and add music. Kyle explained, “When we did it on Instagram, we had to shoot sequentially and a lot of the times it would crash and we would lose everything and have to start all over again. So Spark gave us some freedom.  Then before we knew it, 45 seconds wasn’t long enough either.” Things evolved from there and new episodes, in addition to blooper reels and other fun stuff are posted right on “Judged by Paxton’s” Youtube channel.

But what you won’t see on the channel is the inside scoop I got from the guys on the what it’s like creating a web series behind the scenes of the Tonight Show. They have a ton of good stories, but a lot revolve around what happens when people catch them shooting. Steve said that, “They’ll see Kyle standing in top of the desk with a camera while roman and I are wrestling and be like… ‘Ooookaaayyy…’ And then they usually just turn around and forget what they came for.” Roman added, “We’re always caught off guard and they’ll say, ‘You guys look like I just caught you doing something naughty.’”

As far as the Paxton crew knows, the true star of their web series, Bill Paxton, hasn’t heard about their project, but if that did happen, the results would be almost as funny as their episodes. Kyle would tell him, “we’re big fans and please don’t sue us…” While Steve is hoping for him to see it and get it kick out of it. But as the word on the series spreads, Roman should start carrying around an extra pair of pants, because if he met Bill he would ask him to be in an episode, pee himself, and walk away crying.

Season 3 of Paxton continues next Wednesday at its normal time, but as far as Season 4, the guys are keeping mum. That said, Kyle DID give away this spoiler, “We’re basically just asking for a Cease & desist now.” You can catch up on “Judged by Paxton” on Youtube, and be sure to stay there for new episodes going live Wednesday’s at 7pm. Below are the episodes that Kyle, Roman, and Steve picked as their favorites to get you excited, plus my own personal favorite for good measure.

BACK

 “Back was very fun. We got to make a TV show theme song and montage, including the ‘Notice there’s a camera in front of you and smile’ shot.” – Roman

“Recreating an opening montage similar to the ones from the 80s sitcoms I grew up on was really fun. It really brought me back.” -Steve

FIGHT

Fight was so much fun to shoot (for me, not for Roman & Steve) and it turned out really great.” -Kyle

AND MY FAVORITE… REVENGE