Conquering the News – Election Edition

I’m making Super Tuesday extra super with a brand new video!

You’ll never guess who I want in the White House in 2016… Please enjoy this special election edition of “Conquering the News”.

SHARE, share, SHARE on Twitter with #LilConqueror 🙂

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Joke-Spiration

I come from a family that said “Jane, you ignorant slut” at the dinner table before I was even old enough to know what a slut is. Suffice to say, I love a good joke. And as you might have noticed I attempt to write jokes of my own.  Sometimes this process can be difficult, and when I’m stuck on the ole writer’s block I turn to the list of Joke-Spiration below. These are the cream of the crop in my opinion. So laugh, get inspired, and laugh some more… You ignorant slut.

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Johnny Depp says that he had to eat so much chocolate during the making of the Oscar nominated film “Chocolat” that he says that he will never eat it again. In a related story, the movie “Chocolat” was so choca-long and choca-boring, that I want my choca-money back.

-Jimmy Fallon 2000

BodyWorld, a new exhibit, opened Friday in Philadelphia, featuring a collection of skinless, preserved cadavers in various poses. Or as I like to call it, “The View”!

-Amy Poehler 2005

“Three Chinese astronauts returned safely to earth this week after a 68-hour voyage in which they performed an historic spacewalk. Which was all the more impressive because they did it as a dragon.”

-Seth Meyers 2008

“After two weeks of cancelled shows on her ‘Rock Witchu’ tour, Janet Jackson revealed that she has been suffering from ‘migraine-associated vertigo.’ So while she may not be able to ‘rock witchu’ she may be able to ‘sit witchu’ or ‘lean against something really stable witchu.’

-Amy Poehler 2008

“A man in New York State pleaded guilty to public lewdness this week after he took his pants off before going into a doughnut shop. The man said he only did it so he could carry more donuts.”

-Amy Poehler 2008

“Two British women who were lifelong friends were surprised to discover that they were actually sisters.  And have spent every day since trying really hard to forget about that one time in college.”

-Amy Poehler 2008

South Africa’s Hendrick Ramaala won Sunday’s New York City Marathon in 2 hours 9 minutes and 28 seconds. Ramaala credited his fast time to the fact that he was being chased by 30,000 white people.

-Tina Fey 2004

The inventor of bubble gum died this week. His body was found stuck under a movie seat.

-Colin Quinn 1997

According to Los Angeles officials, the Hollywood Writers Strike cost the city $2.5 billion. Or, roughly: ten movies about treasure.

-Amy Poehler 2008

Next month, a flawless $10 million diamond the soze of a walnut will go on auction at Sotheby’s. And just in time, because Kobe Bryant’s wife has a birthday coming up.

Speaking of which, the preliminary hearing in Kobe Bryant’s rape trial turned ugly on Thursday, when Pamela Mackey, Bryant’s lawyer, “accidentally” said his accuser’s name in court, violating Colorado privacy laws. And, after being admoished by the judge, Mackey went on to repeat the woman’s name five times, which is really bad. Because what lawyer Pamela Mackey did by mentioning the woman’s name, is to put her at risk of further harassment. A lawyer, like Pamela Mackey, of the Colorado firm Haddon, Morgan, Mueller, George, Mackey & Foreman – which is probably in the 303 area code – should know that people can go on the internet and look up any name, like Joe Smith, or, I don’t know – Pamela Mackey – and learn everything about them, and call them and mess with them, and stuff! So, be more careful, lawyer Pamela Mackey, because I heard a rumor that you’re a little unstable, and you like to give wobble jobs to homeless guys! And, I want you to focus up and win this trial. I’m Pamela Mackey – back to you, Pamela Mackey!

-Tina Fey 2003

The official portrait of former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani was unveiled publicly in the city Tuesday. And I’m proud of New Yorkers because by Wednesday, it only had one penis drawn on it.

-Seth Meyers 2010

Experts have stated that London has surpassed New York City as the world’s undisputed financial capital. Did ya hear that, terrorists?! The world’s undisputed financial capital is LONDON!!!

– Seth Meyers

This year’s Rockefeller Center’s Christmas tree is a 76-foot-tall Norway Spruce from Easton, Connecticut. So come on down to Rockefeller Center and watch a tree slowly die.

-Seth Meyers 2009

Amtrak conductors have begun random checks of passengers’ identities as a precaution against terrorist attacks. Great news, because Amtrak is still my favorite way to travel. [begins to sing] Amtrak, America’s way to travel with weed!

– Amy Poehler 2004

The first Winnie the Pooh sequel to be published in 80 years will be published next week with a new character, an Otter named Lottie. Lottie was added to replace Eeyore who finally did it.

-Seth Meyers 2009

In an interview with a fashion industry web site, Kate Moss said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” Said the rest of the world: Bacon!”

-Seth Meyers 2009

It is estimated that Hurricane Sandy left 8 million homes and businesses without power. Also, one man. (KEY: Mitt Romney)

-Seth Meyers 2012

Alana Thompson, Honey Boo Boo’s mom, claims to have lost 100 pounds without surgery, dieting, or exercise. I have to admit, I thought the only way she’d ever lose 100 pounds is in a custody battle.

-Seth Meyers 2012