Had a hard time killing my darlings this week… Sometimes you just have to let go. Fly my jokes, fly! I’ll see you on the other side. Say hi to Faulkner for me. Too soon?

Police in Long Island, New York were called to the home of Dina Lohan to break up a “verbal argument” between Lohan and her daughter Lindsay. One more visit from the police and Lindsay can finally cash in her Free NYPD T-Shirt Punch Card.

Officials in California say that a squirrel has tested positive for exposure to the plague. Which is nuts.

Some of the higher end restaurants in New York City are considering adding a surcharge for people who eat at their restaurants during the prime dining hours between 7:30 and 8:30. While people who eat behind the restaurant between these hours will continue to eat for free. (KEY: Hobo dumpster diving)

Officials in Tunisia are prosecuting the publishers of a children’s magazine that printed an article on how to make a gasoline bomb. So I guess the magazine will have to come up with a new slang term for “Fart.”

Sarah Palin this week created a stir in tabloid magazines after she appeared in public looking much skinnier than in previous years. Apparently nobody told her you can be starved for attention without actually being starving.

The Discovery Channel show Mythbusters this week proved that the ending of Titanic was wrong and that both Jack and Rose could have both been able to stay on the floating piece of wood and survive the sinking of the ship. But maybe Jack just wanted to get away from the never-ending screech of those damn violins. (KEY: band in Titanic)

Researchers have discovered a mummy that may have died because of a sinus infection caused by a mouthful of cavities. Which lead to the more exciting discovery that mummies can be British.

Richard Stratton, the former publisher of High Times magazine, announced this week that he plans to run for governor of New York in 2014. He’s running on a platform of job creation, improved health care, and making super-sized fries legal again.

Felix Baumgartner’s attempt to break the sound barrier by sky diving from 23 miles up was canceled Tuesday due to high winds. So I guess he’ll just have to wait that much longer to die.

Sarah Palin this week created a stir in tabloid magazines after she appeared in public looking much skinnier than in previous years. She’s supposedly trying to stick it to Democrats by dressing up as the recession for Halloween.