Why I’d be Bad at Coachella

I like the idea of music festivals more than I like music festivals. In theory my response to a collection of awesome bands gathered to perform in the same venue should be, “Sign me up.” But in reality my response is, “Will they have a live internet stream?”

This all might be a reaction to cover the fact that I usually can’t afford the tickets and transportation to get to said festival, and in the context of Coachella this is the most true. I’m bitter I’ve never gotten to go, so I’ve invented reasons why I’d be bad at it. I encourage you to prove me wrong by sending me there next year. Purely for research purposes of course… Here are the obstacles I’d have to conquer before making the trip.

More like NOchella

-I like to wear pants as pants– not leggings as pants, booty shorts as pants, tights as pants, a fanny pack, boots, another person or plastic bags. Just straight up pants for me please.

-In work environments, I’m the queen of multi-tasking, but I feel like at Coachella I’d fall short. I’d probably forgo other shows while dedicating a whole day to securing a good spot for The Black Keys. Or I’d accidentally spend too much time trying to figure out what a Skrillex is and miss out on a band I really wanted to see.

-The face paint they offer isn’t in the most flattering color palette for me. You see I’m a winter and they have more autumn tones…

-I prefer not to get my feet dirty.

-It seems like a lot of people tend to overindulge. I don’t do drugs or drink that much, so I could spring for a caffeinated beverage now and again, but it’d probably be a lot of work to keep finding the coffee and soda tent.

-I only own maybe one feather boa tops.

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